dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Randomize
