A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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