i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I have aggressive nipples.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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