I wish my penis had an off switch
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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