believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
