Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
