All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
