My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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