I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I am spending my child support on dildos
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
