come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
