just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize