I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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