he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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