I'm gonna have a badass scar
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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