the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
