we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize