I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
