it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
