Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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