i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
