If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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