Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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