I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
