I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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