dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
