I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
