The maid of honor just puked.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize