My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
