you traded sex for a burrito?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
