Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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