Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
