When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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