That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
