I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
