i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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