Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
