where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
