remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He had one of those small greek statue penises
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
