Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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