so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
