haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Randomize
