when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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