If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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