I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Randomize
