Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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