she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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