ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I am spending my child support on dildos
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
