my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
