he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
