I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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