I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
