They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize