i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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