I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
