i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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