2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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