So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
