I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
