According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
