the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just pynch a tree in the face
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
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