i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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