I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
