just tell him i said nine months
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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