The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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